Joey Needs To Start A Blog

Joey could do better...

2004-08-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

If Joey had a blog, he'd be sure to start contests like this one ("World's Worst CD") only better - "World's Worst Blog-Pestering Friend" for instance (I win!).

In fact, I'm sure that Joey could create a CD that's much worse than what that site currently has. Come to think of it, I'm sure that Joey owns several CDs that are much worse...

Relativity

2004-08-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

If Joey had a blog, he could bitch endlessly about how all his relatives visit him in the summer and prevent him from adding new blog entries. Oh wait...

HA! I scored 37.5%!

2004-07-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Joey got a zero on this online quiz.

Thank Goodness!

2004-07-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't Joey's new blog site - although I had to look twice to be sure...

Dead Japanese Guys

2004-07-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

Even dead Japanese guys have a blog now. Why, Oh, why can't Joey?

Oxy-land

2004-07-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to add "Joey's Blog" to this list.

In a Lather

2004-07-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

This revolting development really has Joey in a tizzy. What to do... What to do...

Immenent Collapse Predicted

2004-07-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

Joey is in complete agreement with this prediction on the future of the Internet - just replace the word "Internet" with the phrase "my blog".

Experimental Film

2004-07-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

Joey says that he understands this film. I'm not sure if I understand it on the same level he's talking about, but I think it's pretty funny. If Joey had a blog, yada yada yada yada...

8,001!

2004-07-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

8,000 blogs are created every day, but is Joey's among them? Nuh-Ooooooo..... Grrrrrr.

Oh Shirt!

2004-07-12T23:57:00.000-07:00

Thank gawd Joey doesn't have a blog! If he did, he'd share this tidbit with the rest of the world and my free ride on laundry services (due to my inability to fold stuff) would be kaput!

Firing IE

2004-07-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

If Joey had a blog, he could warn everyone he knew about the continuing danger of using Internet Explorer and how even his ex-Microsoft friend is now using Firefox since they seems to have their act together these days. Even some pro-MSFT people agree.

So remember, when your browser gets hit, it's because Joey didn't have a blog!

Don Que?

2004-07-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

By all that is right and holy, I swear that if Joey had a blog, he'd take this test and then post the results there and WITHOUT FAIL he'd be a "noble steed!"

Bending (Forks) in the Wind

2004-07-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month and Joey still hasn't started his blog! A new approach is needed. After much thought, I've consulted this site for step-by-step instructions on how to do the impossible. Now that I can bend inanimate objects to my will, Joey's sure to cave to my wishes. Bwaa-ha-ha! (snort).

Go Fred Go!

2004-07-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

This is the kind of great story that Joey would have in his blog, if he had one - and a cat. (If not sure if he could match the artistic quality however.)

On the other hand, he'd also probably comment on this sad state of affairs (from the CDC no less) out in our farming communities. Darwinism at work.

Hmmm... Maybe Joey Does Have a Blog...

2004-07-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

This could be it. It sure sounds like Joey. ;-)

Terrorist Mastermind Starts Blog

2004-07-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing this guy isn't Joey. First off, he has a blog and Joey doesn't. Second off, he didn't get carted off to jail (yet) and Joey would have. (Of course, Joey would then call his personal attorney who'd come down on the police with a huge can of whoop ass!)

Re: Meta-Blog

2004-07-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

If Joey had a blog, he'd post this article in a heartbeat.

Meta - The Betta Blog

2004-07-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

If Joey had a blog, he'd probably start stealing links from this site and then add his own brand of witty wit in the commentary. For instance, this story would be sure to draw his eye.

The Rush-in's Are Coming!

2004-07-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Got a call at the San Francisco airport. My friend had an extra ticket for the Rush concert that night! In the 10th row! Did I want to go? Did _I_ want to go? Boy did I. And I did. And it was great! It looked pretty similar to this. They played for 3 1/2 hours! It was their 30th year anniversary tour. They played tons of old favorites. Most excellent. Even Joey would have enjoyed it, although Rush isn't his favorite group.

Re-training

2004-07-02T01:47:00.000-07:00

Gawd, Joey would say this was really sad - if he had a blog that is - but I am STILL hooked on Train. My iPod now roolz the roost with "She's on Fire", "Drops of Jupiter", "All American Girl", "Meet Virginia" and "Free". And then "Calling All Angels" has a brain-sucking hold on my, um, brain right now. Too bad I didn't know this stuff backwards and forwards before the show last night...

Is His Back Hurting Again?

2004-07-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

If Joey had a blog, he could wax poetic about this interesting development.

Joey's Role In The World

2004-07-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

I found out where Joey fits in the world! He's here, on the far right side of the page. He's under "PEOPLE engage in activities including [...] playing." If he had a blog, he'd also be under "collaborating."

Trained!

2004-06-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

Joey would have really enjoyed Train tonight at the private concert we got to see. Their own songs were very good and their covers of Led Zepplin, Black Crowes, and Aerosmith were awesome. Their guitarist - Jimmy Stafford - was extremely good and looked like he was really enjoying himself throughout the show. We called Joey before the show and rubbed it in.

Riding the Stinkin' Rose Train

2004-06-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

Joey needs to start a blog and become famous so that he can get his picture on the wall at the Stinking Rose - where I'm going tonight!

Afterwards, we're seeing these guys. Woot!

Down the Toilet Without a Brush

2004-06-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

Joey is the easternmost fan of this team. He should start a blog so he can complain about their recent stupidity.

Curses!

2004-06-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

I lost again. 127-0-1. Joey should start a blog so that he can crow about how I suck at this.

Vulcanized

2004-06-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

Joey should start a blog so he can explain why this is his favorite song.

From SFO

2004-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

Joey needs to start a blog and then travel the country. That way he could report in from such exotic locales as the Moscone Center in downtown San Francisco - like I'm doing!

What if I'm wrong?

2004-06-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

I just had a horrible thought. What if Joey starts a blog and it sucks? What if he fills it with angry articles about how "the man" is repressing him (and not in the cool Monty Python way)? What if he includes gross anatomical references everywhere? What if it becomes a conduit for his bitterness? What if the blog title is lame? What if he doesn't get the coveted PG-13 rating?

Nyaaaah. Couldn't happen. Silly thought.

Joey <- Me -> Bill

2004-06-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Joey should start a blog so he can help Bill with his.

Really Simple Something-or-other

2004-06-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

Joey needs to start a blog with an RSS feed (like mine). That way I could use this site to read it.

39 Pairs of Olsen Twins

2004-06-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

Joey's blog would probably be full of cruft like this (from January):

I could care less except these legislators strengthen the laws against trespassing as a homeland security measure. I'm not kidding you.

http://trivalleyherald.com/Stories/0,1413,86~10671~1871447,00.html

And how, you ask, are they protecting us from "terrorists trying to contaminate the nation's food supply"? Why, they're fining trespassers $100. I feel safer already.

That's because, like you, I know that a person set on striking a blow to The Great Satan by contaminating his food--killing untold numbers of Americans and crippling our agricultural industry--will be deterred from his dastardly plot by the possibility of capture and a $100 fine:

Terrorist Fiend No.1: Brother, I have found an additive that when added to corn, produces tortilla chips that emit a green dusting that tastes like guacamole. Americans, unable to eat just one, will gorge themselves and balloon into bi-pedal Holsteins. Their obesity will cause them to suffer and die from any number of illnesses and not a few spontaneous combustions, sparked by groin fires from the friction of their polyester-clad thighs. Glorious.

Terrorist Fiend No. 2: Truly glorious, my brother, except the Americans have recently changed their trespassing laws in California, where we coincidentally reside. If we are caught trying to put the additive on the corn, we will be fined up to $100.

Terrorist Fiend No. 1: $100!!!!

Terrorist Fiend No. 2: It's true. I read it in the Modesto Bee.

Terrorist Fiend No. 1: Curses! Foiled again! Oh, well, you were saying something about a suitcase nuke.

Terrorist Fiend No. 2: Oh, yes. It's simple. According to this Esquire article, any fool can do it. Best part? No $100 fine.

Terrorist Fiend No. 1: Glorious! Our god has truly smiled upon us. When we get to heaven, I shall say so to his face, right after I service my 39 pairs of Olsen twins.

Terrorist Fiend No. 2: Oh, yeah, like even in your idea of heaven, Mary Kate and Ashley would fall for a Dorrito terrorist! Right!

(Sorry. That went on longer than I expected.)

The point is, these guys are nuts. It's like the prosecutor that tried to charge the meth lab guy with a law designed to thwart chemical and biological terrorism. They think they can get away with anything as long as they can remotely associate it with homeland security.

Well, that does it. See if I vote Republican in the next election.

-Joey

Phoning it in

2004-06-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

if joey had a blog and a cell phone he could slowly punch in a message like this while sitting in the middle of a mall.

JFK on Blogging (and Joey's lack thereof)

2004-06-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

Joey needs to take this advice to heart:

"The problems of the world cannot possibly be solved by skeptics or cynics whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities. We need men who can dream of things that never were." - John F. Kennedy

I'm pretty sure JFK had blogging in mind when he said this.

I'm Wise to Joey's Tricks (Not!)

2004-06-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Joey's trying to trick me into posting his stuff on my blog, but I'm too smart for him. This morning, I sent him the following piece of Google News Ping-pong:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Chip" To: "Joey"
Subject: Liberally Centrist Conservatives

Some Seattle Times Story About How Unbiased They Are

Chip
------------------------------------------------------

(Note the witty Subject Line? I was particularly proud of it at the time.)
Joey sent me the following response:

------------------------------------------------------
"In fact, it is the extremists who are defining the election process, unaccepting of other views, intolerant of differences of opinion."

Wrong. That's just lazy thinking. Even though the extremists on the Right are defining the election for the Republicans, the extremists on the Left are hardly defining the election for the Democrats. But it is easier to think in polar terms, and so this editor does, and performs his readers a disservice in the process.

The extremists of the Right are in the White House, and their views are being served: Bush is nomination justices opposed to civil rights, pro-choice, and Affirmative Action; his domestic policies treat the disadvantaged as if their circumstances were the result of personal choice; his environmental policy leaves our natural resources at the mercy of market forces; and his foreign policy comes from the mind and advances the agenda of the radical wing of the convervative movement.

Where is the politics of the extreme Left? Who, besides this guy, is accusing Kerry of being a Liberal? What Democrats are defining or advocating the extreme point of view in the electoral process?

This is the gutless policy of many editorial pages, saying the opponents of the right are liberals or leftist. In most cases, they are not, but in order to stave the accusations of the Right, editors label Democrat objection to extremist Republican policies as extreme, too. They say they're being fair.

They aren't; they being lazy.

Instead of analyzing the policy positions of the politicians and correctly identifying their location on the political spectrum for their
readers, these editors take the path of least resistance.

This guy uses their endorsements over the past 28 years as evidence of their evenhandedness. There's a problem with that. We a two party system. Their endorsement is of one or the other candidate. His methodology doesn't take into consideration the very thing he is suppose to be measuring: Liberalism or Conservatism. It measures support for Democrat versus support for Republicans--not the same thing.

It's no wonder I read the P-I.

-Joey
------------------------------------------------------

Now, you see, the tricky part is that he knows that I know that he wants to post to this blog. So he thinks that he can outsmart me by sending me this long, pointless tirade thinking that I won't not post it knowing that he wants me to. But instead of falling for his nefarious ploy, I'm not going to post it (not!) so that he won't get what he really doesn't want all along instead.

Pretty cunning, don'cha think?

For those of you scoring at home, I won this round because Joey's comeback was neither funny nor witty. Two points for Chip and YET ANOTHER REASON WHY JOEY NEEDS A BLOG ("YARWJNAB").

Blog Stats

2004-06-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

Here's what it's all about folk(s):

--------------------------
-- Site Summary ---
Visits

Total ........................... 32
Average per Day .................. 6
Average Visit Length .......... 7:33
This Week ....................... 31

Page Views

Total ........................... 79
Average per Day ................. 16
Average per Visit .............. 2.5
This Week ....................... 78
--------------------------
Well, this and getting Joey to start his own blog.
(I wonder how many of these are Joey?)

Blawg Fever

2004-06-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

Joey posted (anonymously) on another person's blog today! I'm taking that as a strong sign that he's getting Blawg Fever - which, as we all know is incurable. So that's a good thing! Just like this guy, Joey is slowly being drawn into my trap.

Now the bad news, Joey asked if he could post to this very blog (the one you're reading right now) anonymously. Sigh... Obviously, he still hasn't fully grasped the purpose of my ramblings.

As our other reader (singular) no doubt knows, setting up your own blog could not be easier. It's free, it can be done anonymously, and it's trivially easy to maintain.

Let's review:

1.) Go to http://www.blogger.com
2.) Create an account. (Yes, Blogger gets your email address, but they won't show it to anyone else unless you want them to.)
3.) Create a blog. (Yes, you can have more than one if you want and Yes, you can turn off comments if you can't stand the heat - like me!)
4.) (Optional) Add a hit counter.
5.) (Optional) Update your profile as much or as little as you like. For instance, I'm a male.

Actually, the hardest part is coming up with a stupid name for your blog. As you can see, I failed miserably in that regard. Joey will probably have a very cool blog name, like "TrogdoorsHideout" or "TheRamsPage" or somesuch.

Joey is an Oxymoron

2004-06-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

Wait! By that I mean he has a degree in Oxymoronism.

Wait! By that I mean he has a degree in Political Science - something that I definitely don't understand.

I keep expecting to hear that some politician has hired him to analyze their politics with a spectrograph or some such, but Joey says it's not like that at all. Joey then goes on to tell me - at length - what Political Science is about and why it is so fascinating. Unfortunately, he loses me about three words in. Maybe this is what he is talking about.

Anyhow, if anyone out there needs their politics scientized, Joey's definitely your man. He just needs a blog to prove it...

One iPod to Rule Them All

2004-06-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

Joey has a particularly funny delusion about his iPod. I'll repeat it here in its entirity:

======================================

It's done. After so many days, ceaselessly toiling, my hair, dirty and stringy, my eyes, red and bulging, my body, emaciated, my clothes reduced to a loin cloth of former boxers, seeping with oil, sweat, urine, and--to spare you--let's say, "stuff," I'm finished. Here, within the dusty gloom of Hovel Doom, forged on the CD player of my Shuttle X, is the one, true iPod.

If you were to hear its songs, you would fall to your knees, rending your hair and gnashing your teeth, in desperate supplication and self-mutilating envy, but that will never happen. You will never hear the god-like voice of my iPod. Hearing it, you would have to have it.

And no one--not you, not C----, not even the kindly hobbits of your [Northwestern] shire--no one will ever take my precious away from me.

"Yesss, yessss, Precioussss, I hear you. Only I hear you."

Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.

Just me and my precious,

-Pollum

======================================

He really should get a blog for this stuff.

Why Bugs Bunny Wears Gloves

2004-06-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

Joey needs to create a blog so that he can share more wisdom like this with the rest of the world:

=====================================

Q: Why does Bugs Bunny wear gloves anyway?

A: Bugs Bunny started wearing gloves as a concession to the comic book code; now, he wears them out of necessity. Do you remember that rabbit's foot keychain craze in the late seventies and early eighties? Bugs does. He can't forget it. He's got two very prominent reminders. Let's just say that prostethic advancements haven't progressed as swiftly in the cartoon community as it has in its human counterpart. I'd say more, but he doesn't like to talk about it, and I don't like to pry. His glove wearing, though, is more than a vanity.

- Joey

=====================================

The Essence of Joey

2004-06-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

Joey == Bender

What makes Joey mad

2004-06-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

Joey doesn't like these people. Especially recently. They make him so mad he can't even spell their name right. Fortunately, he's never read this article about their nickname. If Joey had a blog, he could expound endlessly about why they suck and why his team's nickname is far superior.

The Results Are In

2004-06-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

It's unanimous! 100% of the people who have read this blog feel that Joey should create his own blog. Thanks go out to everyone who voted. (Hey! That's me!)

Oww! I hurt my head thingie!

2004-06-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

While waiting for Joey to start his own blog, I often go to a random page on Wikipedia. This time I learned more than I bargained for. If only Joey had a blog, he could explain it to me in terms I can understand.

Death by Library

2004-06-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

Joey wants to die in this building. Hopefully, he'll start a blog before then...

A Golden Oldie

2004-06-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

Joey writes great stuff. That's why I think he'd make a great blog writer. Here's an example from Dec. 31st, 1999. (Were blogs even invented then?)

........................................
I hope this message finds you sitting in your home, surrounded by friends and other loved ones, gloating over the fate of Russia, India, and all the other nations without the billions of dollars to waste solving Y2K glitches created by our computer industry, and not hunkered in your bunker remarking, with more than a little self-satisfaction, on how the acidity of your urine stands up to the creamy base of your mushroom soup and how its mineral aftertaste complements -- without overpowering --the metallic background flavor of the Campbell soup can.

Happy New Year! --Joey

P.S. I had to send this a day early because my computer probably will crash at midnight. Whenever I run Microsoft's Y2K analyzer on my machine, it says I need various patches, but whenever I try to use one, my computer says I already have that patch. The Microsoft tech guy says they are aware of this problem, and they should have it taken care of by the Y3K version.

So this year is beginning to look a lot like the last one. --j.
........................................

Things are Quiet...

2004-06-15T06:24:00.000-07:00

Too quiet if you ask me.

Joey has been sniffing around. I can tell from the hit counter which mysteriously increased without any help from me. If he had his own blog, Joey would know that an increasing hit counter could only mean one thing...

Visitor(s)!

R.I.P.

2004-06-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

Joey usually hates it when I pester him about my favorite cancelled TV show. If only he had his own blog...

P.S. This page is pure gold in my book.

News Flash: Time Discovers Internet!

2004-06-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

Joey,

Ha!

Google News Ping-Pong Example

2004-06-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

Joey sends me links to articles like this one and includes comments like "I read every word of the article and they all said 'navel'."

I'd then reply with something equally witty like "They said 'donga' - he, he."

(We're kind of like Beavis and Butthead in this regard.)

Strong Bad Racing

2004-06-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

Another dopey game Joey plays with me is "See-who-can-review-the-new-Strong-Bad-email-message-first" game. I call this game "dopey" because I've never won. In the 127 rounds that we've played, Joey has beaten me every time.

I'm behind something like 126-0-1 in this game. Even the one "tie" is still hotly debated.

Joey likes this game so much he changed my name to "Homestar" in his Outlook contact list. As soon as I can figure out how to do it, I'm changing his name to "NoBlog" or "Blog-chicken" or something equally witty...

Newspaper Ping-Pong

2004-06-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

Joey and I play this game called "Who-can-send-the-other-a-link-lifted-from-Google-News-the-quickest". Here are the rules:

1.) Go to Google News (or something similar).
2.) Find a random article and send it's link to the other person with some sort of comment.
3.) Wait pathetically for the humorous come-back message/insult.

Points are awarded thusly:

1 point for a liberal political article with a "Good read" comment.
2 points for a right-wing political article with an "OMG" comment.
3 points for any article involving gross anatomical references.
4 points for an article that evokes memories of our pathetic college careers.
Good come-back insults double the point total.

We've been playing this game since mid-1998. Right now, I'm ahead 427 to 398. What a loser!
(If Joey had a blog, he could see that I was lying.)

A Model Blog

2004-06-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

Joey has a good friend who has run his own blog for years. It's great! Joey often send me links to this blog with additional sarcastic comments about the poor souls that are mentioned therein. You think he'd get a clue and start blogging these things...

Crowing at the Misfortune of Others

2004-06-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

Joey sends me lots of articles from this site with lots of pithy comments about how "they had it coming" or "they're not so big now." And while I was taught never to kick someone when they are down, it does seem that some of these people had it coming. Still, I wish Joey would post his vitriolic tomes on a blog...

Basketball

2004-06-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

Joey's always going on about this kind of stuff - the UNC Men's Basketball team. Or, more specifically, why their new coach sucks. I'm somewhat confused by the whole thing as I seemed to me that their old coach sucked and that anyone would be better than him. But it turns out I was wrong. According to Joey, this new coach is much worse.

Joey even has a nickname for him which I can't repeat here. Let's just say that the initials include the letters "PF" which stand for the worst possible thing you can imagine.

Now the weird thing is that Joey still roots for the team harder than just about anyone else even though he thinks the coach does the F thing with the P thing. When they win, he's on top of the world (although the coach had nothing to do with it) and when they lose, look out: "That PF'er should have done something different just like God told him to back when he was still wet behind the ears and in God's presence."

And all the time I was thinking they lost because their big man got into foul trouble early.

But, hey, this blog isn't about me. Too bad Joey doesn't have a blog where he could 'splain hisself...

Any Idiot...

2004-06-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

...can create a blog. Great.

This blog is actually to convince my friend Joey, who I think is the world's best blog writer, to get off his duff and actually create a real blog! His current strategy for world-domination is to fill up my inbox with blog-wanna-be missives about a.) basketball, b.) politics, c.) his so-called life and d.) basketball. Rather than continue to feign interest in these space-sucking mail-a-dramas, I'm calling his bluff and starting this blog to challenge him to come out of the closet and go public with his creations.

Given that any blog is better than no blog at all, I'm great and he sucks. Woot!

And in the worst case scenario (actually, the most probable scenario), where I run out of things to say that are even remotely interesting, I'll just rip off his old stuff and print it here as my own!

I can't lose! Bwaah ha ha ha!